All or Nothing
by Max2019
Summary: Sometimes you just have to let them go...


All or Nothing

All or Nothing

Disclaimer: Ok…I don't own Dark Angel.Wish I did, but I seriously don't have that much cash lying around.DA belongs to James Cameron and his crew.

AN: Since I've decided not to continue "I Turn to You" (I'm tapped out of ideas for that one), I decided to write this instead.It's a little angsty (sp?) but I thought someone should get this out there.Don't kill me, ok?I just thought up and idea and ran with it.Hate it?Love it?Tell me!

AN#2: The lyrics are from O-Town's "All or Nothing".I'm not usually a pop person, but I thought this song was fitting.

I know when he's been on your mind  
That distant look is in your eyes   
I thought with time you'd realize   
It's over, over 

It's been two months since we've been in Canada, two months away from Seattle, two months away from Lydecker's hands…two months away from Logan.You'd think that 62 days away from that fraction of a man would obliterate some sort of feeling towards him.But no, not Max.She's still holding on to some hope that she'll return to Wheel Boy one day.She may not admit it, but I can tell.Manticore may not have equipped us with relationship skills or educated us in the art of dating, but her not eating, not sleeping, and over all moodiness couldn't have been missed.

_It's not the way I choose to live   
And something somewhere's got to give   
As sharing this relationship gets older, older_

I'm sick of playing second string to a guy in a wheelchair.I'm sick of myself not being able to measure up to a cripple.I'm sick of living every day wondering if she is thinking about him again, wondering if she sees everything that I do for her.Logan doesn't deserve her like I do.He doesn't understand her like I do.He doesn't love her like I do.We are chimeras.We are one in the same.So why can't she love me like she loves him?

You know I'd fight for you   
But how I can fight someone who isn't even there   
I've had the rest of you now I want the best of you   
I don't care if that's not fair

I never told her this but the reason why we busted out of Manticore 2 months early was because her seizures were worsening.The plan wasn't supposed to be executed until after most of the guards left the compound for the holidays.But I couldn't wait.Max kept getting the shakes and I knew it was only a matter of time before they prodded and poked at her, harvesting her DNA for another "perfect soldier".There was no way that I'd let Daddy Dearest take my Maxie away.You'd have to freeze hell over, kill God, raise the dead, and then maybe I'd consider it.

'Cause I want it all   
Or nothing at all   
There's no where left to fall  
When you reach the bottom it's now or never   
  


Phony sentimentality – that's always been my motto.But it's different with Max.It's not phony sentimentality anymore – it's real.I can look at her and see a white picket fence, three kids, and a dog running around in the backyard.I can see a life, a future with her…an unattainable one at that, but a future nevertheless.But I know I'll always be "Big Brother" to her, nothing more.

Is it all   
Or are we just friends   
Is this how it ends   
With a simple telephone call   
You leave me here with nothing at all

I don't know what to do…and that scares me because I always know what to do.I've never seen Max so unhappy before, and it kills me to know that I'm the cause of it.So I did what any man in love would do…I sacrificed my heart for the love of my life.I sucked it up, picked up the phone, and dialed the number I wish I could forget.

There are times it seems to me   
I'm sharing you with memories   
I feel it in my heart   
But I don't show it, show it   
  


The memories of our days back at Manticore are still very vivid in my head.Although we didn't have our freedom, we were somewhat happy.In our own private hell, we had each other.We would stay up late at night and just talk about what life was like outside the compound.Sometimes Ben would tell us stories.We laughed together, we hoped together, we fought together, we dreamed together.

I remember Max once telling me a dream she had about her future husband.I was surprised that she even thought about these things.It's not everyday that a genetically enhanced killing machine contemplates about love.However, for the sake of conversation, I humored her.She said, "I'll probably marry someone like you, Zackie, because you're the best brother in the world."_Like you_._Best brother._The words may be small but they hurt like hell.Max will marry someone like me, but not me."So what about you, Zack?You ever think about these things?"Of course I told her that I didn't have the time nor the energy to be dreaming up what if's, but the truth of the matter was my dreams had Max in it.I was just too chicken shit to tell her.

_And then there's times you look at me   
As though I'm all that you can see   
Those times I don't believe it's right   
I know it, know it_

Don't make me promises   
Baby you never did know how to keep them well   
I've had the rest of you   
Now I want the best of you   
It's time for show and tell

Sure, Max chose to run away with me…but not for the right reasons.She didn't leave because she wanted to, she didn't leave because she was in danger.She ran because of Richy.She left because she was putting him in danger.To her, I'll always be second best.Apparently, I don't have the heart of gold that Cale has...

'Cause you and I  
Could lose it all if you've got no more room   
No room inside for me in your life  
'Cause I want it all   
Or nothing at all   
There's no where left to fall   
It's now or never

I don't know why I'm doing this.But for Max, I'd walk on fire.As I watched her knock on the door and wait timidly for the reply, I see the woman that I've loved all these years waiting for her prince charming.As the door opened, her face completely lit up and she smiled that million-watt smile of hers that's long been missed.The shell of the once energetic and charismatic Max that I knew had finally resurfaced.As she hugged Logan, I looked at her for a final time, memorizing every contour of her face, the way her soft curls bounce as she moved.Then I mustered all of the courage that I had left in me, and walked away…out of her life.

'Cause I want it all   
Or nothing at all   
There's no where left to fall  
When you reach the bottom it's now or never

Is it all   
Or are we just friends   
Is this how it ends   
With a simple telephone call   
You leave me here with nothing at all

I may never have her heart, but she'll always be the keeper of mine.


End file.
